"Then you will look and be radiant,
your heart will throb and swell with joy."
Isaiah 60:4-5
This is how I feel every time I pick up Si. I mean that...literally every time I put my hands on him and look him in the face...I feel this way... exactly. I thought what I was feeling was an overwhelming love. Joy is so much better. It describes it perfectly. I'm doing a Beth Moore study on Tuesday mornings and this verse hit me. I had to stop and thank God for revealing His Word too me. I had, flippantly, told Rob that every time I pick up Si I have to tell him "I love you so much". I didn't realize that God had given me more than love when He gave us Si, but He had given us this utterly, complete sense of JOY. I feel it, Rob feels is.... our entire family feels it. I'm so thankful for this gift. For this Fruit of the Spirit that has been made so known to us. This is the closest thing I've experienced to feeling how FREE Grace is and the fruits of the Spirit are.
I didn't ask for Si. I'll confess that I was so unhappy when I found out I was pregnant. I was selfish. I was a hypocrite. I had lost 3 babies and I can't believe the nerve I had to not want a pregnancy that God had given me. But I didn't. God went full force though. I had never had my hormone numbers be so high as they were with Si. I had low numbers with 5 of my other babies....losing 3 of them within the first 12 weeks. Si's numbers soared. I should have know that something great was coming. But I continued to be down, to be self centered...I didn't want to be sick. I didn't want it too be hard. I had lost 3 babies... what would be one more. It wouldn't be as hard as 9 months of pain and discomfort. Satan really got a hold of me. I'm so ashamed. I look at this "Joy" that I've been given, despite myself. I look at him and I feel my
"heart throb and swell with joy". I'm so thankful that I'm not in charge of my life. I'm thankful that God knows what I need and what my family needs. I'm thankful that God gives us these free gifts even when we whine and complain. He knows me. He knows I'm a sinner that loses my battles more often than I should. He still gives freely. He gives perfectly.
Beth Moore sited Psalm 30:11...
"Joy Cometh".
Yes Joy cometh, but I'm thankful for the bits of Joy that are here already.