Sethie Love...

Seth:  Here's a letter for you.  It says, 'Momma, I love you.  Your eyes are pretty and your hair is pretty.  I like your shirt.'

Seth.

Seth is on my heart tonight.  We had an unexpected "date night" tonight.  It was only for about 30 minutes as we waited for Rob to bring the other 3 to meet us.  More about our night later...

This boy has had a lot of life for one little guy.  He started out as this sweet tiny baby.  He get a bad rap these days.  As life has gone on for him, he has changed and grown.  It hasn't always been that pleasant.  :)  He has been through 2 pregnancies.  The first one he had to stop nursing in one day.  I hated that day so much.  I was happy for the reason of being pregnant, but sorrowful to have to stop so suddenly with him.  He's been through one of my miscarriages.  Actually the very worst one, if I were to categorize them.  Seth lived through the, if not THE worst, time in my life as I lost baby number 6.  I look back on this time and see how he he was sensing all the stress and sorrow I was feeling.  That's a lot for a little guy.  Then he watched as I was miserable through a pregnancy that I was terrified of and didn't want.  Then he welcomed this little, new guy into his life... with opened arms.  But, again, he felt our anxiety through the first couple of months.  He then sits back day after day and watches as therapists come in and out of our home and we go to doctors appointments after doctor's appointments with Si.  He watches as strangers, friends and family talk to Si first, smile and talk about how he is a "blessing", he is an "angel", he is a "Gift from God".  He agrees with all these descriptions and he treats Si, mostly, in the same way.  One difference.  Seth also is the only person that sees Si for who he is.  A little, bratty brother.  Si kicks him and Seth punches him back.  Lightly, but it's a punch... it's a kick... it's a frustrated brother.  You see, Seth gives Si what he needs most.  The opportunity to be treated like anyone else.  It's as much fun for me to see as when Seth spontaneously kisses or hugs him.  They ADORE each other.  I think their relationship is going to be the most real and the most cherished by both of them.  We have had many challenges with Seth over these 4 years.  I think a lot of it stems from the things above.  A lot of it was my lack of consistency, as I was tired and stressed.  There were times... there are times where I don't know if this boy will contribute positively to society. :)  He is a potty mouth.  He cries and screams out of no where.  He hits his sister.  But this past year he has made a turn.  He still will do those things and much more.  But he also is the funniest guy I know.  He can express him self in a way that is well beyond his years.  He asks the smartest questions.  He loves his baby brother with his whole heart.  He says the sweetest things about little girls and how beautiful he finds them.



.... back to our date....

Seth is a completely different boy when he has my undivided attention.  Tonight he had it.  He had me laughing so hard as we sat eating.  He gladly took a "date" picture with me.  He explained to me the sweetest things that had to go on for it to be our date.  He still had a potty mouth... but as most know... he got it from me.  It's part of why we laughed so hard.  Seth is one of the Loves of my life.  He has my heart.  He has "my heart in his heart", as he has started telling me lately.

I see many more dates in our future.  I see a bright future for this little boy that has come so for and been with me through so much.  We are still working and will be working on him for a while.  But know that God has great plans for him and that you will probably hear the phrase "oh, my butt crack" if you spend much time with him.  Sorry for that in advance.

Conversation with seth....

We were on the car listening to Bruno Mars : when I was your man....

Seth: mom, you know why I love this song? 

Me: nope, why? 

Seth:  because it makes me think of my heart going into your heart. 

Me: aww

Seth:  you know what that means?

Me: no but I think I might cry. 

Seth:  it means "I love you". 

Me:  (crying) 

Observations by Ian...

(As all 6 of us were enjoying our afternoon.)

Ian:  Mom!  I bet these cars think you and dad are crazy as they drive by....

Me:  Why? It's a beautiful day and our family likes being outside together....

Ian:  Mom.  You have 4 kids.

Me:  True.  True.

Conversations with Seth...

Seth: (sitting on a stool)  OH!  My butt crack!

Lily: Oh...what's wrong Rocket Butt?

Seth: Lily!!!  NO!!! Only Uncle Thomas can call me Rocket Butt!!!!

Buds

So... Our church nursery has a thing where the older kids rotate to different stations throughout their stay in the nursery.  It's a really fun thing for the kids and I have participated in for a few months.  But Si had been at the age for it for a few months now... but I had not pushed him to do it yet.  It was a little stressful for me, to be honest.  I didn't know if he could do it... I didn't know if he'd stress the teachers out... if he'd be in the way of the other kids... etc.  I finally decided to let him make the move but Ian, Lily or I would rotate with him to help get him adjusted and really I wanted to see for myself how he would do.  I was relieved to see that he wasn't so bad. :)  He climbed on the tables a little... he didn't answer the teachers... but neither did the other kids.  One thing that was interesting was seeing him alongside kids that are his age.  It made me realize his differences.  He can't quite get the train through the tunnel... he can't tell the helpers what he wants help with.  The good news is... I have a new list of goals for his speech and Occupational Therapist and look how cute he is in there!  He's having fun....and he's making friends.  Speaking of friends....

This is Si and Brady.  They were born 4 days apart, I think. In fact, he was being delivered the very day we received Si's "official" diagnosis.  Brady's grandpa prayed with Rob while he was waiting to see him.  

Brady is a sweet little guy who I've found to be such a good example for Si in the nursery.  They played together tonight.  Even though Si's hands are a little less purposeful and his words are fewer.... Brady played and was patient and willing to wait for him.  I hope he can always have peers like Brady in his life.

Happy Birthday, Silas... from Dad.

Two years ago this evening (right about this time in the afternoon in fact) Anita and I drove to Baptist East here in Montgomery hoping that Anita was in labor. We were eager and excited to welcome our third son into our family. Anita was prepared to refuse to leave the hospital no matter what they told her about labor. She was ready - and so was I. Little did we know that our lives would be forever changed (I know, that sounds strange, but it is true). Since this day, Anita and I have gradually been eclipsed by Silas.

Anita, it was confirmed, was in labor. And so, with much anticipation and excitement I began calling family and friends. Anita was admitted. And I began praying intensely for God to be with her and our son during delivery (thank God for mothers, by the way … without them none of us would be here because there is no way fathers could give birth).
Everything went very well. We were old pros – and Anita, as always, was awesome. The nurses in the delivery room were very sweet and helpful, and the doctor provided professional care during a relatively routine delivery. And when Silas was born … well I cried of course. He was handsome and strong … just like his older brothers. The nurses seemed somewhat concerned about one of his numbers, but I didn’t care. Here was a newborn son, crying, grabbing my finger, he was “fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

I do remember, reflecting as I have often since, noticing one thing in the delivery room: Si’s big toes. I remember thinking that his toes were more prominent than I remember from our other children. But I also remember thinking that they were very cute. 

Si stayed with us for a little while, but then he was taken away to the “well baby” nursery. Anita was headed to recovery, and I headed down to take pictures, and take another look at those cute toes. 8 lbs 8 ozs was the official weight. He was crying (an often wonderful sound from a newborn’s mouth). And his official footprint put on paper the beauty of his toes. The nurses said that they wanted to keep him for a while … so I headed down to see if Anita needed anything. 

I remember Anita’s relief. Si was here. But I also remember a certain sense of fear (on my part) … a realization that we have four children now (and two boys under the age of two). What have we done? (that kind of fear). But Anita was beautiful, and calm. So of course there was nothing to worry about. Thank God, I remember saying, for delivering us through this trying season. Thank God, I remember saying, for our healthy son.
Anita asked me to go back and check on Si. It was sometime around midnight. The nurses were gathered around Si in the “well baby” nursery. I remember using my phone to take pictures of Si over their shoulders. They were talking, and I did not care. They were busy, and I did not notice. All I could see was my son, the one with the beautiful toes.
And then, one of the nurses, the one who seemed to be in charge in the nursery, proclaimed to her colleagues, “there is something wrong with this child.” She had apparently not noticed that I was standing behind her taking pictures of my son.
It was one of those moments that you read about. A time standing still moment. A moment seared into my memory. I remember thinking, “she’s got her hand on my son, but I wonder who she’s talking about?”
I looked around for another unhealthy baby. But Si was the only one around.
Maybe she’s concerned about his toes? I wanted her to know that I didn’t mind the toes. They were cute, I thought.
“I’m his father,” I said, “can you tell me what is wrong?” Looking back, I now realize that she had not know I was in the room. All the other nurses took a step back. It was now just this RN (doing her job) and me (doing mine). The RN seemed to gain renewed confidence and conviction, and there in the nursery, surrounded by “well babies” and nurses (no doctors were present), this RN began to give me her diagnosis.

“Your son has low blood oxygen levels. He also has some problems with his blood work. His platelet levels are very low. Also, some of his features indicate a probability of Down Syndrome. These symptoms, taken together, indicate a possibility of heart problems. Surgery may be required. Also, the blood issues indicate a possibility of leukemia, and possibly liver failure. We need to take him to the NICU for additional testing.”

But aren’t his toes cute? Isn’t he beautiful?

My son was whisked away, and I headed back to Anita’s room. I walked in, and I remember realizing that somehow she already knew. In fact, many years ago, Anita once told me that we would have a child with special needs. And for all of our lives God has been preparing her heart (and mine) for this gift.

I began praying … and I could not. What could I say? Thank God that His spirit searches us, and his Son is equipped to carry our concerns to his throne. Be still and know that I am God. That is all I could think of. And, for the next few hours, with all my heart, I yearned for God’s name to be glorified in my life, and that he would magnify His glory through the life of my son.

That night I encountered the true meaning of prayer. It does not consist of a litany of magic words. Prayer is unashamed of tears. Prayer is, oddly, a moment when there are no words. Prayer is faith in a real time and place – a complete, trusting submission to the will of the Father – even when, or especially when, accompanied by concern for those the Father loves. 

Over the coming weeks, months, and now two years later, God has revealed many times that he has heard my prayer. 

Silas magnifies God’s name wherever he goes – and Si’s toes are witness to God’s glory. 

Thank you, son, for teaching me how to pray. Happy Birthday Si!